Why Do We Fight with Our Teenagers?
Your child has become a teenager. You have enjoyed the first thirteen years of raising your child. You worried about them all the time. You changed too many diapers to keep count and you watched in pride as they won the fourth grade spelling bee. You helped them through the struggles in life such as scraped knees and taking their first test at school.
Those years must have been the most strenuous, right? They were 100% dependent upon you and that took a great deal of your energy. Shouldn’t it be simpler now that they are teenagers? They are more independent and don’t need your supervision in every situation. They can do some of the chores in the house and in the garden. They can take care of themselves if you want to go out for a late movie. You talk with them about subjects you will both enjoy, right?
How come what happens next is that things change when your child goes through their teenage years? What happens? In some societies, a- year old would be thought of as an adult. They could work in the government and even marry. This is not the case in Western society. Teen years in the Western part of the world are stricken with with conflict and struggles.
Clearly stated it is due to human development and everyone’s expectations.
The first is that the teen years are a period of amazing brain development. The brain is an ever changing machine – almost like a self-programming computer. It is constantly making, strengthening, weakening and breaking connections. It is these connections that form the basis of memory, of learned skills, of perception, and of social reasoning.
From birth through age 12, your child’s brain experiences and learns a large amount. At birth the brain communicates through non-verbal means and by age 12 your child can communicate through effective verbal and reasoning means.
Then the teenage years hit the brain like a tornado. The brain goes into a state of shambles after which it rebuilds itself. While your brain is rebuilding itself your child might not be able to do some of the things they could before. For example, speaking to the opposite sex has suddenly become virtually impossible without becoming quite nervous. Throughout the teen years your child will need to understand the components of social interaction and how they fit into the whole social scene. They will make friends and strive to find their sexual ife partner.
Comprehending the ins and outs of the social scene can be difficult for their teenage brain. Their brain goes back and forth between its methods of operation during their pre-teen years and how they are expected to act as teens. This tug-of-war can make the social behavior of a teenager inconsistent and sometimes perplexing.
This tug-of-war is also affected greatly by the ups and downs of their sex hormones. Plus, teens tend to stay up late and skip much needed sleep. These factors together can make for one feisty teenager.
Teens also have to deal with the different expectations placed on them now that they are teenagers. They hear every day from many sources that they “should” be doing certain things and the definitions between normal and abnormal. Expectations for how they should act during each year of their teenage experience is detailed by their parents, friends, teachers, police, and society. It can be hard for a teenager to discern exactly how they should act when they have all these people forcing their opinions on them.
This leads into the difficulty with imposing expectations. If you have one, then there is the possibility that your expectation will not be met. A behavior that is considered a “no-no” is turned into a big problem.
The combination of the varying expectations, sex hormones, and plain teenage angst cause your teenager to act like an angel one minute and a scounderel the next.
How do you deal with a teenager that is up and down in their emotions and actions? You can try some of these tips. When you have a fight with your teenager or you are just fed up with what they are doing, take heed of the following:
1) Arguing and shouting won’t work
2) Your teen, like you, is simply trying to achieve the very best outcome that he or she can, given her current abilities and perspectives (which are probably different to yours),
3) Remember your teenager is still trying to sort life out and may not understand either why you are fighting.
4) Why is it such a potent problem? Whose expectation has not been met? Is this really a devastating problem in the big world of life?
5) Brainstorm different ways of communicating with your teenager besides forcing them to see things your way.
6) The teen years will pass – they will grow up. When they do, what kind of relationship do you want to have with them, and what memories?
With that being said, it is a good idea to have rules and expectations. However, don’t get so uptight. Don’t be so strict that your teenager wants to avoid you. Determine how to have fun together so you can both get through the teenage years with smiles on your faces and love in your hearts.
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